what a start of 2010 for me...
from the first day of the year, an un-received 'sms delivered' status msg hinted the bad news abt my supervisor,
Denise, who was diagnosed with pancreatic and ovary cancer passed away on sunday.
she's always been in good spirit since the end of 08.
things started to worsen in nov/dec last year, and went down the slope very quickly since then.
she came back to the lab from 2 year potdoc-ing overseas in april when i was doing my hons, then became one of my supervisors since i started phd, which was less than a yr before the diagnosis.
our desks are just next to each other, we shared the same computer, she's always earlier than me, saw her at work every single day. would ask her to go for tea togther (and canny) especially when Erin's not working.
she's always been a cheerful person, always being supportive. even if she might not the best person to supervise this project, i did learn from her, she's the one to go to when i'm in doubt with anything, she's always been a good listener.
i will be ok...
the fact that i won't see someone ever again is not going to slip away from my mind easily...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

another farewell (but will definitely say hi again) happens 2 days after that (which is today)...
late 08, grace went back after she graduated,
then diana in early 09,
then maybelle,
then tzechien,
then yoketheng,
then antyboy,
today shiyang.
i'm only left with abt 2/3 of my close friends in melb.

Happy New Year!!
010110 today...
didn't rmb what i did last year over the new year countdown :S did i see fireworks? or i was at karaoke like this year? confused with my xmas eve. :S
anyways....
didn't see live fireworks this time.
hope to watch syd fireworks with my bare eyes one day.
hmm... sydney... hvn't been there since... at least 3 years back?
syd is somewhere i like to go for a holiday (dont think i'll prefer to live there vs melb), close to melb, but is different enough for me to have a break from melb.

2010... as for the past 2 years, i've listed out my 'new year resolution' here...
ppl always say new year resolutions are never real, but for me, usually they're pretty close lol. perhaps that's becoz i wasn't being too ambitious abt myself.

i'm foreseeing 2010 as a year busy with my phd, 2 conferences that i want to go, something POSITIVE in my phd project MUST happen this year!!! or else i'll be x_x
well 2 small positives (from a side project) had happened just before xmas, hope that's a good sign for more to come.
still don't hv a solid plan to visit home, but i think it's still quite possible to 'shun bian' do so if i get to go to the conference in nov.

and
i should learn to be more forgetful on things i shouldn't rmb;
i should learn to look at certain things with one eye closed;
i should learn to enjoy my life more coz it can be very short;
i should learn to be more talkative to 'strangers' (well not random ppl on the street lar, but more like ppl at work for example, ppl whom i'm not close friends with).
that's pretty much what i can think of now.

only had abt 6 hours sleep before my mum woke me up with a 'happy new year' greeting.

oh and...
hope my sibilings are doing well with what they're doing. i really really sincerely hope everything goes well for them, both of them.
hope us kids won't let our parents down.

Do you know that you can watch msian 8TV online??!!
well not all shows on air will be able to stream, but programmes like 8pm chinese news which will be useful when parents come over to visit, can let them watch msian news here since my dad likes to be updated with all that.

again... i'm taking things too seriously.
i remember things that ppl said when they don't mean it. (but i don't seem to rmb things that i should rmb)
or mayb they really forgot?
or it's just because i'm too 天真? :S

i'm actually excited abt xmas, boxing day, and that long wkend :)
but i'm nervous and scared abt the new year :Z
and i'm gg to be one year older soon!!! >.<
won't be in the 18-24 category for any longer!! :(

虎年要来了！

a 2008 CNY song by myFM (msia radio station) DJ and Astro新秀
still my fav

won't be home for cny 2010 :(


2010 Astro CNY songs are out:



looking at the names of ppl who appeared in the video... i don't know most of them anymore :(


I only know KK from this one!!!

My new fav :)

this is how my beloved camera looks like at the moment :(
'critically injured'
can still take photos (lens is fine) but the LED screen is gone

my friend dropped it at the airport :(
and i don't know why i didn't insist on him replacing me one, or at least pay for the repair. so stupid of me!
was sorting out the photos i took with it during my trip last nite, the more i look at the photos, the more i'm angry and sad.

went to a few shops today after work,
a comparable Sony nowadays at Ted's is selling at 248 i think i saw at the shop just now but i'm not sure coz online it says 299, need to go back to the shop again. otherwise, another shop is selling at 278 (their online catalogue)
and it (W230) only has 4X zoom (vs 5X in my W150) and has no view-finder (that little hole that you can use to take photos instead of using the screen) eventhough it has a bigger LED screen (3' vs 2.7') and higher mpxl (12 vs 8)
there're cheaper Sonys around, $188 but the lens is not as good, and it does make a difference. if buy, will buy sony so that i can still use my leather case, spare battery and memory stick.

repairing takes effort
unless i'm willing to wait for weeks to get the shop to send for repair (from my previous experience) plus it's xmas/new year soon so it'll take longer than usual (i think?)
it's still under 2 year warranty (yes it's still quite new!) but it's not manufacturing fault, don't think it's covered.
and don't know how much it'll cost.

should i still bring it to the shop and ask properly?
or just get a new one???

Peanuts

this is the first time i've watched animated Peanuts 'commic'
i used to like snoopy when i was in high school
yea.. used to... not so much anymore, well i don't hate it, just that i don't love it as much anymore.
brought me to this youtube video when i was looking for 'Vince Guaraldi', a jazz musician, "an American jazz musician and pianist best known for composing music for animated adaptations of the Peanuts comic strip" quote from wiki



like the ice-skating scene of this video
i grew up with a set of jigsaw puzzle (still have the vague picture in my head) of Peanuts characters on an iced lake, very similar to that in the video, which i've completed piece by piece over and over again :)

looking fwd to the one i'm not looking fwd to so that i can get to the one i'm looking fwd to next. lol!

just talked to dad.
i really wish i'm working now
so that i can earn money.

what's the best job for me?
i remember what i need to do (non-work-related things mostly),
by when i need to get them done,
and will be very happy and satisfied when i manage to get them all done on time.
i plan things ahead, (sometimes i think it's too much, should let go a bit) that's why don't like ppl make last minute changes or being late when i'm doing many other things to make sure i'm able to make it on time.
thinks i'm a control freak
able to tell unimportant things aren't done properly, eg powerpoint slides, font size, alignments
check most things carefully with my most observant eyes before i pay
...

Really looking fwd to my trip home... but not the goodbyes at the airport :( (not australian airports of course)

'it takes more muscles to frown than to smile'
but it takes no muscle to put up zero expression

Was touched by this (coz of my 'ppl-together-effort-weekness'):
Flash mob, Central Station Antwerp
and then the similar idea in KL (coz it happened in KL/msia!!)

there's one happened at Bondi early today



________________________

my project sucks!
felt shit this whole week. not the first time.
and was glad that my 15mins presentation in a 3.5 hr joint meeting yday got cancelled abt an hr before when i'm suppose to speak. was cancelled coz not enough time to fit me and another person's talk in, other speakers gone over-time, plus my stuff is still 'work-in-progress' aka 'no results yet'.
anyway i don't feel like talking abt my project at all (i'm usually happy to gv presentation) even thought of lying abt not bringing my slides with me :S
when ppl asked how's work/phd going... i don't say much coz i dont know what to say and i don't have anything to say!
*shouldn't have cont on this proj,
*shouldn't have doing phd
*should have also taken maths2 or even physics in trinity then get into dent if my parents are rich

hopefully you won't see me writing 'my supervisor sucks' here one day.
at the moment they are the only person who can help me with this.
will have a serious talk with them on wed, hope i won't cry in front of them T_T shit

_____________________________

stupid moth-season is here again :S

few weeks ago, while waiting for my tram in front of a Volks Wagen used-car dealer, looking at the beetles, i 'realised' that they actually look nice. Before that when i look at a beetle, it's just a normal car to me, normal as in i won't want one, just like a holden car :P
and on friday, i actually started to think mini coopers look nice too. and i wouldn't mind having one. compare to before that, i actually hate mini cooper and didn't understand why ppl would want such an ugly looking car.

taste changes.
but so far, my preference on food didn't change much. food i hated when i was little, i still hate it eventhough i gave it a try when i 'grew older'.

so i wonder... friends 'preference', belongs to which? cars or food?

I don't usually ask my parents' opinion when comes to buying things (with my own money).
why?
coz most of the time i ask for opinion, it'll end up to be... me explaining my reasoning, them listening, if they don't agree or have questions, i'll then explain, and at the end, they'll say it's up to me :S
so what's the point of asking?!?!?!

i never actually asked when i bought my piano.
i never asked when i bought my camera.
and of course, i never asked when i bought the wallet and the mimco.

and u know what, i actually thought of asking mum about the vacum cleaner!!!
so after the out of stock, i want to ask her again about the other options.
talked to her about it on msn for at least 15 mins and still didn't get any conclusion from her!!! been going around the circle. until i want to cry already!!
then finally she said she'll call me talk on the phone which i should have done from the beginning. then at the end of the phone conversation... she said it's up to me to make the decision :S
ARGHHHHHHHHH
i just want someone to tell me what to do when i had so much to consider about and i just couldn't make up my mind! and that's why i asked!!!
sigh...
think my parents respect us (me?) too much. well it is good, i shouldn't complain.
we get to choose which high school we want to go to.
i get to decide what course in uni i want to go to.
i get to decide where i want to live after i graduate (well so far they didn't say/hint anything about where they hope i'll work at after i grad)
but sometimes when i need opinion, talking to them usually doesn't help. :(
they probably don't want the blame if we've made the wrong choice if they had chosen for us, that i understand.
but another thing also i think is my problem... my mum (at least) is actually 'afraid' of me... many things she doesn't dare to ask me directly. i only thought of this issue when she had to go through my exhousemate's mum when comes to this question: whether i have a bf. -_-
it's actually sad that my mum and i don't really have those 'heart-to-heart talk' which most mothers and daughters do. again, i think it's my problem. coz i didn't initiate those conversation with her, and she's 'shy' to talk/ask abt it.
my dad on the other hand, will ask such questions sometimes, usually in a not-so-serious way.
or is this a normal situation in chinese families?
but erm... from my previous housemates... i don't think so lor.
their mothers know a lot abt them, more than my mum knows abt me.







so... what should i do now with the vacuum cleaner? :S

i'm tired of deciding what i should eat for my next meal when i have no cravings (which means no appetite?). but even with cravings, doesn't neccessrily mean i'll be able to get it

i'm tired of deciding which vacum cleaner i should get. too many questions to ask, too much reasoning, too much thinking. (yes... i AM a scientist :S)
i think it's also because i'm a person who... if i buy something, i want a good one (of course within my budget lar, or else it's easy, just get a Dyson!).
like i'm hving high expectations from myself i think. which is giving me extra pressure on things like...
my driving test!! yes. i'm actually worried abt it already eventhough it's abt 2 months away from now. but i want to get it passed straight away!

___________________________

lesson learnt from these two days...
never be punctual again!! at least with this few ppl whom i met up with on friday and sat. :S

___________________________

the weather last nite made me feel like it's time for home...
it was max 28C when i checked the weather on theAge in the afternoon.
feels like summer, which means dec - feb and that's when i'm usually going home for hol.

Always thought I'm a person who's alert most of the time, as in i am usually aware of things around me. until...
last sunday... i was holding my wet folded umbrella together with my bag in the same hand, rushing to the platform at the train station... suddenly heard running footsteps behind me which turned out to be a teenager who came up to me with my umbrella.
i dropped my umbrella without realising at all.

_______________

whenever something unexpected happens, out of the sudden, eg a pen suddenly falls off the table, i almost tripped, someone suddenly appears from a corner etc i feel a shock and usually accompanied by a little squeak or something.
but recently... mayb starting 1 or 2 months ago.... whenever these things happen, i also get this 'short-shocked-numbness' at my forehead down to my nose bridge. dunno how to describe the feeling... it's like an electric shock for that .2 sec.
is this abnormal???

如果

这几个星期来，在 facebook 看见很多朋友在马来西亚大学毕业典礼的照片，才真正见识到马来西亚大学的毕业袍长什么样子 :P 原来他们每一间大学的毕业袍都不一样，还蛮多种不同 pattern 的。

然后想一想，常听说本地大学对华人来说不容易进到自己要得科系，但也看到这么多开开心心毕业的朋友(well, graduation of couse is happy one also lar)，就想想... 如果我没有来澳洲读书，也没有去新加坡，那我会在马来西亚读哪里读什么？会不会比现在来得好？not that 我现在后悔了还是什么，只不过想想如果。如果我一直都没出国，每一天回家都可以看到爸爸妈妈，会是怎样的?

我知道自己的思想跟中学时候是不一样了，也或多和没有出国的话不一样吧？
很想问问爸爸妈妈有没有觉得我出国来有什么不好的改变...

Acer Timline 4810T

my new fav :)
Acer Timline 4810T
HBhifi selling at $1688 before discount for the SU3500 CPU (intel core 2 solo), 4GB RAM, 320GB HD, win Vista (upgradable to Win7 in Oct), 14" LED-backlit TFT LCD
things i like abt it:
relatively light weight (just under 2kg) and slim, long battery life (review 5-7 hours of netsurfing, 1 movie), a multi card reader which can fit my memory stick! (unless it's sony laptop, they don't usually fit the memory stick for my sony camera) and Dolby sound system speakers which is NOT underneath the laptop!, Multi-gesture touchpad.
but not sure abt the bluetooth
shall look into getting this in nov :)

it's almost 5pm now and there goes my day off.
dunno what else can i do. have been chatting (on msn) to a few ppl whom i don't usually get to talk to coz they aren't usually on msn when i am. been watching 2 eps of a tw drama series which means i've finished 败犬女王. today is monday, so don't have new kangxi to watch yet. wo cai... should go find later... been letting restaurant city run by itself. yes... by itself means nothing much i can do. been drinking barley and water and honey, eating lozenges and herbal candy (the pi pa gao candy, since the instruction says can't eat Strepfen too often a day), ate porridge, 2 slices of bread. wanted to eat junk food, want to munch something, but can't eat chips, can't eat chocolates :( so i can only munch on apples which i don't feel like today, hv 3 or 4 left which i want to bring to work de.
quite sien... dunno what my hsmate does when she's at home most of the time. :P
well even when she's at home, since i can't talk, i can only stay in my own room also. :S

i guess tmr i'll just go back to work... in silent.
but then now think abt it... i only woke up at 12 something, and it's not even 5 yet. i actually felt that i've done a lot of things just by sitting in front of my comp the whole time :S

been 'hoping' i fall sick when i was stressed, so that i can just drop everything even just for 1 day, dont' hv to think of all the problems.
but now when MOST problems are settled, i really end up with a sick day off >.<

I'm on my sick leave today.
i think this is my 2nd sick leave since i started my honours. can't rmb when and why for the first one, but i do rmb waking up in the morning, called my supervisor in his office to ask for a day off.
wasn't thinking abt taking a day off for today until last nite, my colleague said on my fb comment something like 'hope to see you at work tmr if u feeling better'. coz mentally i'm fine, just that i can't talk and my throat hurts. like i'm not feeling weak or anything.
but this morning, woke up at 8, find myself couldn't talk at all, which is worse than yday morning. so i sms my supervisors (since couldn't talk on the phone) for a day off.

went back to sleep until 12pm.
wokeup... my hsmate already cooked porridge and barley water!! so touched!! she's the only hsmate who ever takes care of me when i'm not feeling well. well, probably i hv been quite healthy and all before this ... getting older lar, problems starts to come out, not this time one lar... sorethroat can happen to anyone, i know. :S

I actually left office at abt 5.15pm today!! woohoo!!!
after weeks (abt a month so far perhaps) of long hours in the lab, crazy+short lunch hours, rushing up and down the corridor, reaching home by 6 is a rare occasion for me. usually it's around 8pm. i was at the state where don't hv the energy to think/do other stuff outside work anymore and rather ppl just give me orders eg where to eat, wat time. everyday reach home, all i want to do is hv my dinner and sleep.
some PhD students spend long hours in the lab, including weekends, longer than what i've been doing, but there're also some who are just 9 - 5 every weekdays!! lucky them!!
I always heard abt having '2nd-year blue' from seniors, but there's no such thing for me (and the other PhD student in my lab)!! hopefully this means less stress at the end.
been working on a few trouble-shooting stuff at the same time lately, that's why the long hours and the stress and the frustration. well, i finally have one sorted out on Friday. so feeling bit more sane today.
but having my talk coming on this friday is another stress factor. i've had my practice during my lab meeting last week (ish... took me awhile to think whether it's 2 weeks ago or just last wk :S), went alright but i need to refresh my memory on things i should know since 2.5 years ago (when i started my hons).
would luuuuuvv to have a day off when the troubleshooting is done

saw a senior's facebook photo few days ago... she just printed out and bind her PhD thesis. looking at those thesis (basically they are like 5cm? thick, A4 size books with hard cover) really make me want to have one my own asap!!! and yess i am going to have it eventually!!! with my name on!!!

p/s: i'm up for restaurant city again :P they added a few new things recently. was bored before coz nothing much i want to target on anymore until they added the new stuff :)

This video got me into happy tears :)



By ninemsn staff:

Ms Peterson told local television station WCCO they had planned their wedding dance from the moment they got engaged.

"I had always wanted to dance down the aisle," she said.

"I always loved musicals and theatre and using that to make things special and more emotive — I think you can say a lot through dance.

"So, I think doing it at the church was really something special to set the tone for the whole thing."

Mr Heinz said he had posted the video for the benefit of family and friends, but felt comfortable with a global audience checking out his dance grooves.

The couple has since appeared on a number of American talk shows.

I've always thought that my name is unique.
noone has the same name as mine since kinder. whether it's my chinese name or the 'malay' spelt name.
but ...
SS told us that she foundHN's photo on google, so i went to google image HN's name and actually found my photos too, which are those posted by a friend of theirs (well is our mutual friend lar, but i don't really know her). this person post those photos onto her blog and she somehow put our names under the photos and so it somehow appears in google image. quite shocked when i see my face there :S

and i went to google my own full name and this is what i found: :(














(at least) an 18-year old boy is sharing my name :(
anyway... i still believe that my chinese name is unique :P

after that emo weekend and followed by a week full of failed experiments...
i'm much motivated now. especially since the seminar/forum thingy on last fri organised by the postgrad student association of my research institute. where 4 seniors were invited to share their experience and to answer any related questions. my eyes gone teary a bit and felt motivated and the pat over my shoulder.

when i see ppl on the stage (performing eg singing)... the applaus from the audience make me very 感动. can feel the statisfaction. wish i'm the one on the stage, wish i can hv that kind of feeling. feeling good and 'appreciated' and proud about myself for what i've done.
like i should cry when i get my phd. lol
i should, doesn't mean i will :?

i always think and still agree with, that satisfaction (满足感) is one of the most important things in a person's life.
my definition of satisfaction used to be 'by achieving something GREAT in one's life'
but now i think think... it can be anything eg achieving something (eg. in your career) for youself or having appreciated/praised by someone about what you've done. (not sure if this makes sense to u)

thing is we only live for once, well regardless abt what you believe about after life etc etc philosophy/religion stuff...
my point is... i'm once alive so i don't want to vanish from the world one day without being remembered or even realised by ppl in the future. must leave my 'trail' for a good cause (of course).
i guess i can work really hard in the research field (with some luck of course), to find out something useful so that ppl in the future know about my existence. sounds like i'm doing all this for my own good instead of contributing to the 'man-kind' (woa... sound so... 伟大). this takes me to mention here abt this little 'side story' which happened at abt 2 years ago... a cleaner in my institute said to me on a friday evening after 5pm... (the cleaners usually work after hours. don't rmb the exact wordings... it's somethign like...) that i'm still there working late on a friday night but at least i know i'm (doing my research to) helping other ppl. i think she's the kind and wise person who thought abt that. to me, i was just doing it for my own good, ie to get my honours. shame on me :$

actually am glad that i'm in this field, coz at least it is something i can try to achieve and fulfill the 'satisfaction' for my life.

my childhood memeories...

As i just finished typing the previous entry,
bro showed me a few photos taken in my room in KL
new paint for my room, see my big teddy bear sitting there...









mum asked me before she washed it for me, ask if can give away or wat...
she's been trying to sort out my soft toys for me when i went back last trip, when i took them all out and took a last picture of them, i was so sad to give/donate any of them away!!! those are all my childhood memories :'( :'( :'( so asked mum to let them stay
then when she asked me again abt this big one few days ago... i said can give after she wash.
but just now bro showed me the photo ....












:'( i asked him to tell mum to keep again :'(
eventhough i'm not 'very close' to this bear, coz it was too big and furry, it's usually kept in the cupboard. but i still love it a lot. still hug it everytime i went home. and i still hv the doll at home since i was born. and the 'brother' of the doll... really can't imagine them being out of my possession :( now that i'm thinking that i won't be going to KL in the nov trip... i'm very sad leh... can't see the newly painted house, can't hug/see my toys :(

how arr??? i hv to get rid of them some day anyhow right?
just like what happened to my piano in kl... so sad to sell it off but at the end still hv to say bye-bye to it :'( yea... it was sold few months ago when i'm here, couldn't even hug it for the last time :'(

should i bring the bear to melb with me in dec? :$

World's Best Airports
'a survey done by the British-based Skytrax consultancy group, interviewed 8.6 million passengers in 2008/9 at 190 airports about their experiences, from check-in, departures, transfers, through to arrivals.'
Why I didn't get to do the survey?? :( I had 12 international airport visits (one international trip will hv at least 4 international airport visits) from 2008 wor

anyway... my point is...
Top 10:
Incheon International
Hong Kong International
Singapore Changi
Zurich
Munich
Kansai
Kuala Lumpur
Amsterdam
Central Nagoya
Auckland

yup... KLIA is no.7
and the BEST IMMIGRATION SERVICE award goes to...... KLIA!!!
instead of feeling proud of it, i'm speculating the reason for that award :S Not goin to type it out here to avoid getting into any trouble >.<

我 sien 得受不了
什么也做不好
最近的实验多是有缺陷
我和你的世界
就像一条抛物线
也许它早已过了最高点

情绪不好冲到极限
说顺利要直接一点
你会发现
全要冒险
情绪化
有什么不对
我要你零缺点

睁开了我的眼
今天又是一天
但还没能和昨天说再见
我心中的问号
你一直解不到
希望有一个脑袋能了解

情绪不好冲到极限
说顺利要直接一点
你会发现
全要冒险
情绪化
有什么不对
我要你零缺点

Tank - 一把听了很 'lum' 的声音... and plus guitar

the first 1min++ :P and speaker volume must turn up a bit



and of course, 徐佳莹's voice is very nice





it's the quality of the video? the song itself or he really improved? the first song sounded more relaxed

OR should i get a MacBook?

What's next??

half of 2009 is almost gone!!
june is coming

and i hv nothing else to look fwd to until mid nov :(
driving test... not excited anyway, and dunno when's goin to happen
doesn't seem like i'm goin to the snow this winter.
my cousin is not coming to bne/melb anymore in sep/oct.

sien...

mayb i should look fwd to churning out results from my project, by increasing my work hours to include weekends, then i won't have time to think abt what to do during my spare time

being a 2nd yr phd student, i'm actually quite scared now.
i'm aiming to finish in 3.5 years the latest, which means around march 2011 i should finish all my experiments and be writing up my thesis
time is running short!!!

netbooks

thinking of getting a netbook
since i already hv a desktop at home, the extra one is for portability (is there such a word?)
every brands nowadays have a series of netbook.
eg Sony, Dell, HP, Lenovo, Acer, Asus.

Sony Vaio P series looks good but doesn't hv the normal mousepad and is too expensive since i won't be using this new one as often, don't want to spend too much on it.
so Asus 1008HA (aka seashell) is currenly on the top of my list. it looks good (better than hp and dell and vaio?? but i don't like the look of the Eeepc logo >.<), and good enough for my need i guess. not sold in aus yet tho, but predicted to be around $900? (it's $429 in US). a similar netbook from HP costs $799, Dell $699

Restaurant city

i used to like Sims for a while, then Diner Dash (still love it).
and i recently 'discovered' that this game on facebook is actually quite fun :$
started playing this Restaurant City just few days ago... have been ignoring all the invitations i got from my facebook friends for so long.
was quite excited when i found out that by picking up rubbish in my own restaurant and other friends' restaurants can earn me a award/trophy. :$
then i got even more excited when i realise that by clicking on some of the trees nearby can earn me money!! woohoo!! XD

Dream dream dream

I dream a lot, almost every night
always wonder if those dreams will become true or not, coz obviously some are good ones and some aren't
i could even dream during my 30mins nap like just now >.<

During a typical lifespan, a human spends a total of about six years dreaming^[6] (which is about two hours each night^[7]). Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.

The dream story itself in the last REM period is farthest from reality, containing more bizarre elements, and it is these properties, coupled with the increased likelihood of spontaneous arousals allowing waking review to take place, that heighten the chance of recall of the last dream. (so if this is true, it will explain why the dreams i remember usually won't come true) Reports from earlier dreams of the night, being more realistic, are often mistaken for waking thoughts.

Freud suggested that bad dreams let the brain learn to gain control over emotions resulting from distressing experiences. (wah... so dream is a practice ground har?!)

Ferenczi^[14] proposed that the dream, when told, may communicate something that is not being said outright. (means... what happened in the dream is what i really wanted in real life? well... true lar for some of them :P)

Negative emotions are much more common than positive ones

Up to 70% of females and 65% of males report recurrent dreams. (there used to be a repeating 'scene' of me free-falling /flying/floating which made me really scared in my dreams)

Content-analysis studies have identified common reported themes in dreams. These include: situations relating to school, being chased, running slowly in place, falling, arriving too late, a person now alive being dead, a person who is dead being alive, teeth falling out, flying, future events such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc. (with different scenarios), embarrassing moments, falling in love with random people, failing an examination, not being able to move, not being able to focus vision, car accidents, being accused of a crime you didn't commit, suddenly finding yourself naked, going to the toilet, and many more. (among this list, only 5 happened in mine as far as i can recall)

Twelve percent of people dream only in black and white.^[28] Studies from 1915 through to the 1950s maintained that the majority of dreams were in black and white, but these results began to change in the 1960s. Today, only 4.4% of the dreams of under-25 year-olds are in black and white^{[citation needed]}. Recent research has suggested that those changing results may be linked to the switch from black-and-white film and TV to color media. (was curious abt this at one time and i think mine is in colour)

Dreams are seen as projections of parts of the self that have been ignored, rejected, or suppressed.^[31] (think this is very true)

Had a few good hours of catch-up talk with my fren just before leaving from Perth,
since came back, i've been thinking abt what i want to do with my life after i finish my phd...
can see myself working for a few years overseas, as in not aus not msia, mayb somewhere in Europe or Canada,
then try a few years in S'pore, and if i like it there, i can see myself settling down in s'pore.

won't say this is my decision since there're still 2 or 3 years before i need to decide on the first step, but i guess that first step is pretty much what i really want. that's a good way to build up one's track record in my field. so whether i want to come back to aus or go s'pore, it's still a good thing to do as long as i can get into a good lab o/seas.

the thought of working in s'pore came on Mother's Day.
last sunday, my parents and brother were in Penang for a mother's day dinner with my grandmother and all the relatives there.
since i came to study in melb, i've missed out a lot of family gatherings, grandma's 80th bday, cousins' weddings, and of course all the bdays and mother/father's day every year.
and plus ... since eldest bro is most likely to be settling down in aus, and i don't feel confident enough for my 2nd bro to take care of my parents,
i want to be 'easier to reach' for my parents.


anyhow... all of these are 'subject to change'

_______________

i've just submited 2 photos i took in Perth for a competition by Jetstar :P
never thought i'm good enough to do this kind of thing, but bro told me i should try, so i did
there's a 'people's prize'... not sure how other prizes work...
but my submission is still being processed before it's in the gallery for ppl to vote.
stay tuned :)

最后一次感动到哭？
昨天晚上...

i fell asleep in my room after 1130pm with my door closed when my washing machine was still running.
when i woke up at 1am something, my light still on, msn incoming msg blinking... from my flatmate.
she was asking if im still awake, and thought that i wasn't.
and she already took out my clothes from the washing machine and dry them on the rack for me.
i wasn't totally awake yet at that time, so i went to brush my teeth (which usually wake me up abit) coz i hvn't, walk staight pass the drying rack back to my room (didn't realise abt the rack when i was walking to the bathroom), replied her msg, turn off comp and lights, to bed.
then think think.... felt touched that she dried my clothes for me >.<
it's not a big thing to do, but... i suddenly felt that... she's so nice that she did me a favour.
well unless she was complaining while drying my cltohes lar :S

i've been frowning, killing my brain cells, nerve cells and muscle cells!! >.<
just tired...
stressed

had a bad dream... abt what the family matter is i mentioned before...
the first thing in my head after i woke up is the pics from my dream, what i'm goin to talk abt in the lab meeting later at 9am, and Daniel Powter's Bad day >.<>.<

it's been a little roller coaster for me .mentally.
getting better.
project is moving along, one experiment after another, one 'assignment' after another.

quite stressed .some family matter.
dunno how to help.
sigh... lessons learnt.
____________________

since nov last year, 2 mums been saying they want to intro their sons to me!! >.<

..find me a bf..
eh wait... but they are 'finding me one' but i dont like it that way...

i think it'll be quite dangerous if i own a car.
coz i'll be driving aimlessly whenever i dont feel like staying at home.
and from memory, driving without an aim is dangerous according to the vicroad watever handbook.

if i'm in sydney, i'll be taking the ferry from (or to? depending where i live) circular quey whenever i dont feel like being at home.

there are some things that you (or just I?) only feel like telling/blogging abt when they're 'fresh from the oven'. and once it's over, thinking back abt it, u'll think it's no big deal at all and not worth mentioning at all.

ups and downs recently... from work, family, friends to myself. that's almost all the 'categories' in my life yea? well my flatmate's been alright at least, which is a big relief.

i started to don't feel ok with my supervisor, as in there's a torn in me towards him ... since last wed's weekly meeting with him and my co-sup. it's a very very very bad feeling. and i really hate it!
since 2 years ago he's my supervisor and i always feel comfortable with him as my boss until last wed. when he asked wat's my (experiment) plan for the coming week. and i went completely absolutely blank! and actually said 'nothing' to him. >.<
i've been aware abt hving all these things/experiments piling up at the back of my brain since i had my confirmation. but at that moment, i couldn't think of a solid plan that i can tell him. after pausing for few secs (felt like more than 1 sec at that time), still said i hv nothing planned to him, then he said 'so how do you maximise ur productivity?' and i really went panic and felt tears in my eyes :( then suddenly remember abt all these things that're 'in the queue' from my other 2 projects. :S so at last i did tell him i hv all these things coming along.
but after that meeting, i really felt like shit!

then i had my presentation on monday, which i did real bad.
bad as in... eg i couldn't answer some of the things that my sup and one of the pediatricians asked when they're clearly written on the paper.
i started preparing for it on friday, and sunday whole day. so could only blame myself for that.
i wasn't presenting my work, it's our journal club day, once a month, 2 person will present 1 'interesting paper' each. so this ppr was suggested by my sup on that wed.
after the presentation, i went back to the lab to set up some experiments, then Sarah came to our lab to use the spec,
as usual, she'll say hi to me and ask how i am etc.
i told her i did bad for the journal club.
"was it the paper suck?"
"no, it was my presentation"
"it doesn't matter, does it?"
"well yea... sort of..." :S
but i still mind lor!
we don't have exams or assignments to assess our progress etc. and our work/experiments are never ending. it's how much u can do, how much can u get within that 'limited' amount of time, and when/where u draw the finish line.
so.... i mind because i take that as my assignment. so i must do well at least.
i mind abt how my supervisors think abt me, coz they're important to me and i care wat ppl think abt me.

and also recently i'm not happy with the fact that he's not anticipating positive results from this particular 'recent discovery' of mine. ever since i started my honours, i've never found any positive results like this one. eventhough there're quite a few things to follow up before i can 'declare' my positive results out loud, but from the start, he doesn't think it's going to be positive, and that's like a big bucket of cold water to me.
probably coz i hvn't been getting +ve results so this little(?) discovery means a lot a lot to me.
luckily i still hv my new co-supervisor who's more supportive on this.
sigh...

seems like there're only downs from my work recently

yes, i dont like to change plan once it's decided especially one that i'm looking fwd to and have made other arrangement in order to be available for it.

wont be too annoyed if it's decided monthssss ago i guess, coz it's too long to be sure abt things so far ahead. well unless it's a plan which if cancelled will hv very messy consequences.

so 'surprisingly' last nite, i wasn't disappointed or annoyed at all that our monthly gathering might be postponed. eventhough the postpone can be avoided, if everyone updates the organizer abt their plans which they knew abt from weeks or months ago. [ct, i know you tried but it's her that i'm disappointed abt when i think abt it today. i felt that she doesn't really care?]

today, we had to postpone a dinner plan with my past and present colleagues, which is supposed happen tmr. we had planned this for weeks and started among the 4 of us, then gradually, due to some reason, more and more ppl are involved so ended up 9 ppl are 'invited' in total. we wanted to keep it small, but... well. (and looks like we might need to invite another 2 ppl now coz some 白目的人!! talk abt this infront of someone who wasn't invited)
then all the while, noone said they can't do this week or they can't do this day until monday. ok fine. one is becoz of assignment due on thurs, well she said she doesn't mind a dinner break from her studies so that's fine.
then the other one dunno why, just said on monday that she's busy this whole week so can't make it this week and asked us to go ahead with the plan. thing is, this 2nd person is one of the main person we want to catch up with ar. the rest of us (except 2) are seeing each other almost every single day! >.<
then fine.... postpone lor... next wk.
ask anyday prefer/want to avoid... this 白目的人 said ok no prob.
when decided on tuesday, and i already ask around making sure ppl can do tuesday and most ppl can do tues but hvn't got reply from the 2 main ppl,
then she said tuesday cannot and the reason she had was something she knew far before i first asked her >.< wah lau!! really want to smack her lor.
plus she told me that in front of another person whom we din invite (not becoz we forgot) lor!

okok....
patient... patient....

just found out that another primary schl classmate is working as an air hostess. she's working for Cathay, the first one i heard of is in AirAsia. and then 2nd one is a high schl classmate (guy) working for SIA.
hmm.... interesting....

*lightbulb* mayb i should be a dentist



but it's too late :(

i'm looking for an easier career.
but after u read wat i call an easier career, it should be a job, instead of career.

is there such job where
i dont need much memory, as in like dont hv to rmb every single things i've come across in the field?

that's my main concern of my current 'job'.
i hv to remember and be updated abt everything related to my specific field/topic.
dont mind the doing experiment or thinking a solution to solve some questions or problem part but i just dont hv enough memory space to store everything i need to know.

mayb a job like...

taxi driver will suit me. just drive ur customer wherever he/she wants to go following GPS.
or even a tram inspector sounds pretty easy. get on a tram with ur colleagues (they dont usually work alone right?), check tix check tix, if someone din hv valid tix, give fine ticket following the protocol (see... hv protocol, just hv to rmb the procedure), get off tram and mayb at the end of the day need to write a report for the day?
or a chef/baker? just cook/bake lor, once u find the right recipe, just cook lor. once in a while, invent new recipe, see how customers react to it, then, just cook lor, follow the same recipe. see... hv recipe, only need to rmb and practice.
or a piano teacher? teach student teach student, if they dont get it, basically practice + some talent will do for basic piano playing. then mayb once in a while need to attend those course to update with new exam syllabus etc. well to teach them, u need to hv the knowledge/skills right? to me, for now lar, i think practical side of it is really not that hard to teach ba, since the basics are pretty basic, after so many years of learning, what i still rmb should be it right? but of course with my qualification now, i can't teach properly lar, still need to take up piano teaching stuff. but hey i'm just saying IF lar. it still sound easier than my 'default' career path lor.
or a hairdresser? learn how to cut lor, takes few months only for the course right? then 'practice' while u're working as a hairdresser. then just cut lor, should be able to rmb how to cut u're doin it everyday right?

basically those are things that come and go from day-to-day and eventhough u get slightly diffr job everytime, but they're pretty much the same thing.

career that i would say need more memory:
lawyer and medical doctor: no need to explain right? need to remember every single case from years and years ago before u're even born.
Engineer: er... correct me if i'm wrong... need to rmb details from previous projects, previous problems encountered etc. even basic theory you learned from high school/uni also need to be able to apply right?
Highschool teacher/uni lecturers/tutors: have to be on top of the stuff u're teaching. have to know more than what u're teaching since there're some students out there who will make ur life harder by asking diffc questions outside the syllabus. actually, mayb highschool standard still can manage ba. and once u're in it, every year should be abt the same right? hmm... sounds slightly better than those previous ones.

not sure abt accountants etc from the non-science sector.

i guess, the easy jobs are those at the lower end of the hierarchy.
eg in my field, if u're a research assistant (not saying RAs are at the bottom of the hierarchy ok!! there're still honours or undergrad student etc etc out there :P), things that you need to worry is much less. most of them only do what they're told (i do know some RAs who are very keen and active in their projects). and if hv any problems encountered, all you need to do is go to your boss/supervisor and ask for help (tho it's what i'm doin now). of course must try a few solutions before asking for help lar. and if still doesn't work, it's not YOUR project, so you won't have as much pressure as your boss/supervisor who is the one in charge of the project. diffr is... if there's anything you're not sure when being questioned, there's always the boss there to help u. well my supervisor is also helpful lar but he expects me to know my project better than he does lor, and he really mean it! >.<

am i complaining too much?

okok... back to my reading...

I should and need to read more

my confirmation on coming thursday,
first practice talk on monday. >.<
handed in my progress report on thursday after my supervisor gave me back my 'draft' on that same morning.

I'm starting to worry abt my short-term memory.
i've been reading papers since 2 years ago, but now if you ask me to tell you abt the paper, i can't! i can't tell you more than 1 sentence abt the paper. i'm pretty sure i understood that paper when i read it.
well, some papers i read i dont really understand at the end of it, but some i do understand lar.
woke up at 7am to continue another paper (from last nite) which i've read few years ago
and then went back to read this other paper, which i first heard abt it when my supervisor presented it in our lab meeting, which i'm suppose to read it before the meeting but honestly i didn't. so i read it after the meeting coz only found out it's actually very related to my project :S
then now i hv to read it again carefully in detail coz i dont rememebr anything from it!! eventhough there're highlights and notes scribbled on that printed paper!! i even forgot to mention abt that topic in my Introduction of my progress report (that's how i realised i really hv to read that ppr again)

after reading it very carefully, more careful than last time (coz i think i figured out something that i didn't understand last time), i have this conclusion:
reading papers is actually quite fun. :$ i can learn/know what other ppl are doing in my field which is important to keep urself updated, and learn new knowledge/facts that ppl discover from their research.
i know it sounds nerdy but surprisingly that was my first thought after finishing that paper!!!

Eventful 2009

mid march
confirmation
hazard test :$

april
parents visiting

early may
perth conference + short holiday

june
......

july
....... (go ski?? or mayb can fit driving test here? >.<)

early august
giving my first 'public' talk, outside my lab and it's not accessed. it's during what we called the 'cross group meeting', once every month for our theme (the whole MCRI is divided into 8 themes, where each themes has a number of individual labs.
(or put ski here? can't decide myself anyhow)

end sep/early oct
cousin visiting

nov
bro's wedding + my short holiday :)

dec
............


Looks like a pretty busy year.
can sort of 'see' myself until the end of the year, which is kind of bad i think...
coz it'll feel like this year is going to pass very quickly.
just like this coming long weekend, thou hv some plans already, hv been looking fwd to it since monday and it's (only) thursday today, but i can see myself feeling it's tuesday and back to work again. so dont really want the weekend to arrive yet.
it's just weird. dunno how to explain

suppose to clean toilet and do the vacuuming, it's my turn this week

suppose to read the paper i've just printed out, for lab meeting tmr

suppose to read over my progress report before sending it to my supervisor tmr

but i am

drinking the new black label apple rockmelon honeydew juice... tastes bit strange and has the thick saliva feeling at the end which i dont like.

feel like going to the city... to buy a clock for the living room and i spotted dress on friday which i might like :P am paying attention to dresses nowadays, for november :)

singing with liangjingru (since housemate not in, can sing out louder :P) and manage to convince myself that my computer speaker is still good :)

I think i'm back to the days where my curiosity is what 'dragging' me to my next day.
was still on holiday mood yday, but now i hv that little feeling of "can't wait to find out tmr the results of my experiment i did today!"

A senior postdoc said to me before... wat makes her enjoy staying in science is the happiness and satisfaction of discovering and learning new things through doing experiments or reading journal papers, and helping her students. But she doesn't like writing grants and all the paperwork.
so yea... that's basically the major part of the work as a researcher in science.

not thinking too long yet... just want to finish my phd asap for now and not suffer too much :P

It's Melbourne again...

I'm back in Melbourne.... aih....

on thurs morning...
we actually touched down on time but were stuck on the plane for an hour becoz a Qantas was still in our bay for some reason. and there were no other suitable bay available at that time.

thurs nite...
new flatmate moved in.
was quite looking fwd to it but hope we get along well.
at least she's not a total stranger to me. our mums knew each other since high school.

fri morning...
went back to work for the first day.
already have cells to harvest at 10am! thought i won't need to see them when i come back, but too bad that they are super-slow-growers, they still need me to take care of them.

sat morning...
it's valentine's day! but nothing exciting for me.
woke up, went market, catch up with all the kangxi i've missed since i went back, well not every single one i watched lar... skipped one or 2 which doesn't seem interesting to me... learned that a person can actually watch kangxi until feel sick de :P had instant noodles for dinner... the 2nd packet of inst noodles since i came back :S

sunday...
did nothing.
woke up, had lunch, chatted with my flatmate for quite a while... luckily she's a 'talk-able' person coz i dont really talk much. :$
long time didn't have ppl to talk to at home d (except when my family was here lar).
dinner time... we cooked tgt and ate in front of the tv.
long time didn't hv ppl to eat with at home d (except when my family was here lar).

and now... it's midnite already, and then it's monday again :S
still on holiday mood. but somehow look fwd to doin my experiments tomorrow.
but not look fwd to writing up my progress report etc for my confirmation which is on 19th march :(

should be sleeping now...
nite...

How much can you trust a stranger?
i'm always paranoid, don't easily trust ppl, strangers especially.

How long does it take to know you can trust that person?
whether it is to trust him/her for once or for the rest of your life?

all depends on the feeling and the interpretation?

My bday weekend

Oh nooooo!!! it's almost over!!!! :(
it = my birthday weekend.
while JayChow is celebrating his bday somewhere in the northern hemisphere, i'm celebrating mine here in Melbourne

started on Friday...

On Fri lunch time, our lab had a joint bday party in a kid's party style.
coz our lab usually hv cake for everyone's bday, as in the next bday person buys cake for today's bday person and so on. and there are 4 of us whose bday is just back to back: 17 18 19 20 jan. So instead of hving 4 cakes in a row, we had a joint bday lunch
we prepared all sorts of sugar-overloaded food which usually appears in a party for Aussie kids:






































well except that soy bean lar :P A colleague from Japan brought that.
and there's soft drinks like Creaming soda, rasberry and solo. and the creaming soda (a pink/brown fizzy drink which tastes like the A&W root beer) is their childhood favourite.

then friday dinner...
Peking duck at Old Kingdom











The dinner is also for Marius' bday.

then sat lunch...
Crepes at Fraus with Canny (who used to do PhD in my lab, now my fren :) ) and Joy












then to a colleague's new house for her bday/housewarming/bump party
[no photo for this one]

then dinner at YingThai on Lygon
























then went to their place for mahjong... until the 'surprise' at midnite from 2 diffr groups of friends (CTG and biomed), where one from each group so happen to be high school friends.

























Sam baked the cake on the left. and my biomed frens bought the one on the right :)
stayed till 2 something am? before i went home. then dunno to sleep or not. haha... coz going for yumcha the morning 11am session. and i hv few 'new toys' to play with if i really dont want to 'waste' my bday on sleeping :P
but after shower, played with the digital photo frame from my CTG frens for awhile, uploaded some photos on fb, then went to sleep at i also dunno wat time is that. haha!

on Sunday, the real day...
woke up before my alarm which is suppose to go off at 9am.
online for a bit, installed iTunes for the nano from my biomed frens, had some of my bday cake (i woke up with a hungry tummy :P), then shower, then cut up some of the cake for Jess, then wrap Marius' other present (we already gave him one yday nite), then went yumcha at Templestowe.












then went Doncaster Westfield.
a newly renovated/extended shopping mall. the best in Melbourne so far.
then watched 7 pounds.... a really sad movie. didn't expect it to be this sad. but it's really touching.
then shopping at Coles
then Sam let me drive back to city :D hope my driving wasn't too bad. well, minus the tram 'ding-ing' at me outside europa, and the very close right turn into queensberry st, and the hump i missed, still ok ba hor... Sam and Kelv? :P

then after leaving the groceries at home, went out for dinner with YeeFei at OldTown @ Chinatown...















then home....
shower....
replying fb walls...
now blogging...
and it's 11.58pm now!!!! :S
i think this is the longest time i spent on typing up a blog entry, and with the most photos posted :)

conclusion:
had a great great bday weekend.
even better than my 18th and 21st bday!!!
thanks guys!! :)

This is my first 'proper' bday with my CTG friends,
my 2nd bday with my biomed frens,
my first one with Canny, and
my first one with YF in Melb.

and i just had my first proper xmas in melb and the first new year countdown in melb.

liang jing ru's new EP brought me to this tw drama series

and just found out that it's also the soundtrack for another chinese movie!



eh and this song is also from that same movie



then sam told me he sang that first song too

was browsing through a stranger's class photos on facebook coz a few of my friends were tagged in there. and then think think....
hmm.... i didn't seem to have a proper class photo since after primary 3 (dont remember seeing my own class photo from P4-6. i was in a diffr school). the only 'class photo' i can think of was one we took at the end of the sports day in form 5, but everyone was in our 'class t-shirt'.
then i went to look through my photo album, i have one single photo album with me here, printed hard copies of photos from trinity and some before trinity with my high school mates and a few were taken during my holiday in msia after trinity before first year uni.
and i found out there're a few 'class photos' there from high school but none were the 'formal' sitting/standing properly ones which were taken by a photographer. the class photos i hv were like from the effort initiated by our own classmates, taking in school with everyone 'gathered' around our 2 teachers, some squatting, some sitting on the fence. one other was taken at a teacher's farewell. nothing formal or proper and tend to miss out parts of somebody's face.
so erm... i dont think i remember all of my teacher's face, not to say their names lar.

只有家人可以理所当然

Happy New Year!!!!

spent my first 'new year day' in melbourne today.
for the past, i would be in msia at this time of the year. usually sleeping when then rest of the world is doing the countdown. i never been to any countdown celebration, whether it's for the new year or xmas or national day. well, the only 'countdown' i've done was for chinese new year lor. haha. will be at penang, waiting for the clock to strike, then all the fireworks that i can watch from grandma's place.
eventhough i spent my new year eve with my fren, we didn't hv the countdown bit. i think i was singing (we went karaoke) when i put up my hp to my frens which says 00:00 and that's it... "welcome 2009"!! no fireworks, no countdown. but all the wishes to each other.
hmm.... will it be too early to say it now that i want to countdown to 2010 in sydney? :D they have one of the best fireworks at the syd harbour bridge every year. and fireworks hv been my all-time fav.

still remember wat i wrote as my new year's resolution 2008.
dont think i've met all of them last year (yea.. 08' is 'last year' already) but ppl usually dont finish up wat they aim for right? :P
hvn't been thinking abt my new resolution for 2009.
dont think i want to have any of those since everyting is unpredictable.
i guess the only thing i want for 2009 is to learn to put up with things.. unpredictable ones especially.
nothing is perfect. anything is possible. so should learn to live with any changes in our lives. sometimes it's good if we can 'correct' those imperfections but if it already happened, mayb i should try to 'get used' to it? nothing is for ever.

Happy 2009 everyone!!
and i do appreciate the time u spent here. :)
*hugs*

1/4 life crisis

not sure whether this is wat i call 'quarter life crisis', or it's just another time of 'lost' in life

wasn't thinking abt anything when mum is here in melb, only think of where to bring them to eat and stuff.
then suddenly, 3 'bad things' happen in a row (well 1 is expected and 1 sort of unexpected) in 4 days.
now i'm thinking wat do i actually want.

went to a friend's phd graduation today then dinner. then catch up with some old friends after dinner.
and now i'm thinking wat am i doing in my life. wat do i really want to achieve.
during undergrad, nothing much to worry coz i keep pushing it back until i graduate.
so wat actually do i want??!! after phd, then???
and before getting my phd, in that 2, 3 years to come, does that mean my life will be the same like now until then?! i dont want!!!!!
life is short! seriously!! and unpredictable!!!
after seeing what happened recently to some ppl around me.
:( i'm so lost ):

Hate December 08'

Mum and grandma left for home late last nite.
Hate sending ppl off at the airport, coz usually I’ll cry. Including sending my bro to syd last time for the first time. And if I’m the one who’s leaving, I’ll also cry, except if I’m going elsewhere for holiday coz I’ll come back again quite soon.
Last nite, saw mum’s eyes were wet. That was the 2nd time I saw her like that at airport. The other time was beginning this year, when bro leaving to come back to aus from his holiday in msia. Does that means she’s been like that everytime I left kl to come back to aus?? or it's just for my bro

Hving my family here… is good but frustrating.
Good coz they’re my family wat.
And I hv company, bring them around, bring them eat nice food, buy them stuff that they want from here.
Frustrating coz I’m not used to how they deal with certain things like household chores.
And when I finally get myself adjusted, they’re leaving. Which means it takes weeks for me to adjust ?!?!?!?! :S
feels really stupid abt that myself coz those are things that I shouldn’t really care of and should just let them do watever since I can just revert everything back once they leave. But it took me awhile to ‘learn’ to tahan and shut my eyes and don’t care.

There’s another thing that I’m ‘遗憾' abt is not playing Rolie for my mum eventhough she asked me a few times already. Even at home, I tend to play/practice my piano when noone else is at home. Dunno why … I just feel uncomfortable to play when my family is around whereas I’m totally fine if my frens are around. :S and also I don’t hv the good mood to play Rolie with all these frustration around me.
____________________

My 2nd supervisor was just diagnosed for pancreatic cancer
Heard that it’s usually terminal. A fren’s grandfather had it and passed away 5 months after that.
______________________

Grace is still leaving. But might come back in few months? years? time.

tell me tell me.... Am I a control freak????!!!!

1) I dont like ppl sitting on my bed unless they're wearing clothes which have 'no contacts' with the 'outside world' eg clean/fresh ones from the washing. i dont wear my pyjamas to sit on my own dining chair and i only recently 'allow' myself to wear my pyjamas on my own couch sometimes.
2) I have a cloth (pillow case) on my computer chair for 'clean bums' and i'll remove the cloth if anyone else wants to sit on that chair. i myself dont sit on the chair at all if i still hv my pants from outside
3) I dont step on my toilet mats if i'm wearing my bedroom slippers.
4) I'm very anal abt ppl drying their hands with the cloth for drying cleaned dishes.

5) I dont like to share filtered pipette tips with other ppl unless i see them close the lid once they take the tip from the box.
6) I don't 100% trust most other ppl's experiment results especially when those results matter to my experiment/project.

7) I'm annoyed when ppl don't leave things back like how they find it. whether it's a glue/scissors in the office, or like turning off my printer after using. i'm perfectly fine with ppl using those things but just put them back pleeeease!!
8) I'm annoyed when mum put anything other than teaspoons (or any cutlery of that size) in the middle partition of my cutlery drainer which is meant for smaller sized cutlery.

9) I dont like last minute change of plans unless i'm expecting it to happen.
10) I also dont like having last minute plans unless i'm bored or have no other things to do. even plans that doesn't involve me but only ppl around me.
eg1 last minute saying dropping my grandma at my place and then when she is here only i was told that they coming to pick her up at 11pm. Not that i dont like hving grandma over, it's just... hullo... my place is not a 24hr on-call baby sitter place... at least let me know earlier can?!
eg2 already plan with mum and aunt to bring them to the vic mart nite market then when i happily reached home from lab at 5.15 (very rare nowadays for me to reach home before 6pm ok!!), found that aunt and xxyy are still out in the city dunno wat time they coming back, they dont hv hp for me to contact with and dunno wat time is zz coming to pick up xxyy and grandma. then ended up my grandma doesn't want to go (well, also it's not very convenient for her to go coz will get too crowded and we hv to walk there from my place, i can't drive) so someone has to stay at home with her. and coz i'm already annoyed with all those 'unexpected circumstances', i chose to stay home and have instant noodles for dinner.

11)... can't think of one at the moment

actually, I sound like a clean-freak too
but hey, if u come to my place, u'll know i'm not as clean/tidy as a clean-freak. so... mayb i'm more of a control freak?! :S

We can choose who to be our friends
but too bad we can't choose our relatives

yeay!! Grace is staying after she graduate. well to be exact, she's coming back again next year :)

gosh! i'm damn bored here!! arrghhhhh
dont like the feeling of going home from lab to my lonely apartment then hv to think of wat to eat for me and myself.
dont like the feeling of wanting to go out but noone to go out with and dunno where to go and what to do. especially on a nice sunny saturday when i 难得 not going to the lab (coz going tmr instead :S)!
some weekends, bro comes back, but i dont like to hang out with him, well rather, i dont like him!!! i dont like talking to him nowadays. coz i'm really annoyed and not happy with him as my brother. all those annoyance (is there such a word?) building up gradually for months.
really not looking forward to him moving back to melb permanently and live with me in the same apartment unit! dont know how long i can stand him for.
and if things are still like this after i graduate, i seriously need to consider moving to somewhere else, different country mayb. just like how i told my dad, i'm still single, can move anywhere easily.
s'pore is still on my list, but i still not sure abt the job opportunity there.
m'sia is definitely out of my list, not only short-term wise. not that i hate msia so much, but just that i can't see myself hving a job that i like over there.
other than that, UK mayb? or US?
well all in all, meaning that i need to build my network gradually during my phd. ppl usually do that through their collaborators overseas, or during conferences. but then, i'm not good in socialising, with the angmos especially :S
or apply for fellowships to go overseas to work for few years after graduate.
yea i know i'm only in my first year, but i really dunno wat to do with my degree or my life (and forget abt the degree?) after i graduate.

a girl from my lab, got her phd few months ago, got engaged also few months ago, hv been in our lab for the past 5 or 6 years since her undergrad (as a 'lab experience student program'), she's decided to leave the lab at the end of this yr, for a change ba? she doesnt' know where to work yet, but will definitely be in melb.
another girl in my lab, started doing her phd 1 month before me, just got offered a bonded place in the graduate med school in melb uni. she's still considering to take it or not. but i think it's very likely tht she'll take the offer.
those 2 ppl are the only ones whom i like hving lunch or tea breaks with. and now they're leaving!!!! *sob sob* moving onto the next stage of their life. of course that's good for them.
but i'll be left there with 2 less friends :(

and Grace is leaving in mid dec!!! going back to msia for good!!!! :( :( :(
so there, another close friend leaving. well, actually she's my first close friend who's leaving melb for good :(

...i really need more (new) friends...

called waipo and home just now,
didn't call them for weekssssss already.

with waipo, i hv the mood to talk to her anytime. but with my parents... especially to my mum, sometimes i'm inpatient :(
just now after talking to my waipo, decided to call home coz feel like talking to them. this is bad, shouldn't be like this, they are my parents wei!!! my big bro calls home far more often than i do. usually when my mum starts asking me how's the weather here, i'll be frowning already :( :( :(
and today, the first thing she asked me was how's the economy in australia. well i seriously dunno how to answer that, other than 'grocery price has gone up'. i dont know wat's the employment/unemployment rate etc but yea i wasn't annoyed or anything lar.
i finally ask dad where do they want to go for holiday next yr. he sounded really happy but at the end he said i should save up my money. then i insisted that should spend a bit while saving up. actually is that i really dunno wat will happen to me/them the next second, so should at least enjoy a bit while we can. sounds very pessimistic hor... but that's the truth!!
waipo also said i should save my money, well i din tell her tht i want to bring my parents for holiday lar. she started by asking whether my scholarship is enough for my living, then she went on saying hv to save, for future like buy house over here, she expects me to stay in melb (long-term wise) and she thinks i'm a person who spends a lot of money :(

nov will be a busy month for me, with my cousin's wedding, waipo and all the uncles and aunts are coming, and just now heard that there will be a 'proper' dinner for waipo's bday. she's turning 87 in nov, the day after my cousin's wedding. hopefully my cells (for some of u, that's my 'pets' at work) behave

I think i'm very stressed now.

previously, uni exam time, honours thesis writing time were all stressful but i can see when are they going to end.
but now, overloaded by lab work, 5-days a week is not enough anymore coz my big experiment worked! not knowing when's the endpoint coz it's a long expmt that goes for months depending how well the cells grow, that's more stressful. i can see cells once i close my eyes, well at least they look healthy
been hving weird and stressful dreams for 3 consecutive days already.

just woke up from one where i was in a puzzle hunting+solving 'game', like a treasure hunt where u hv to go all around to find answers to the questions given. funny thing is, my teammate was Jean (yea... sam's fren). funny coz i wasn't close to her and wat is she doing in my dream?! :P
so the whole answer hunting game was set in a jungle, like in Narnia. with some wooden huts and little rooms scattered around for us to get in and find answers. at first we really suck and dont see any other teams around us. like we're lost, dunno where to go. suddenly some weird 'lady' (human-like but can swim/fly really fast) came after us so we ran coz thought she's evil. but turned out she gave us an answer to one of the questions :S
i also met my senior (JoonWin >.<) who is another participant(?) in a 'stop' where there were a few rooms next to each other, he told us to go into each of them and there's an answer in each room.
also met Erin, who is a nice lady in my lab. always there to help me when i have problems with tissue culture (my 'pets' lar), and also good in baking yummy stuff for us. so she helped us with another question, i dont think she's another participant.
then went across this slope on the hill, where there's a blind-folded horse running up and down by itself on the other side of the fence, a guy was at the side guarding. next thing i saw is the question sheet in my hands, saying something like 'why is the fake horse running aimlessly?' so i looked at the horse again and went 'oh... it's actually a fake one' and answer i gave was 'coz it's blind-folded' :S
opposite to that fake horse hill, is another slope (we were standing between those two slopes), not as steep as the previous one, with 2 (huge) dinasours there running around. my question was something abt fossil. there're some wooden huts at the lower end of the slope. i ran towards those huts, passing through the dinasour area, one dinasour was running towards me, last thing i saw was its feet (which is way bigger than my body) over my head and i heard someone (presumable is Jean?) screaming (duno wat she screamed also) ...... then i woke up

oh and before the puzzle hunting part, i was indoor received a call from someone from the C&T department in CTG! i asked wat is C&T and she told me the full name which i've forgotten now but basically is related to lighting operation. she told me she's stressed abt the show tonite. i remember that it's a phone call but somehow i can see her face :S is not someone i knew. i remember telling her not to be scared, just be 醒目 (alert) during the show and react accordingly coz you wont know wat 'emergency' will happen, i went on abt how many productions i've done, all diffr, even same production every show could be different.
then somehow i see myself in that puzzle game liao.


day before yday in my dream, i screwed Stacey (a research assitant in my lab who juz took 1.5 days leave for thurs and fri)'s PCR. i saw myself in a lab, near the PCR machines, holding her 2 pcr tubes, 1 of them is 'crunched', kept apologizing to her, her face seriously frowning and angry. it went on for quite awhile (dunno how long lar, hard to estimate in a dream), she said she needs to insert them into a BAC (basically is a technique/experiment that she's not doing in our lab)
i said i'll repeat the pcr for her, and then her face turned better.


can't remember wat exactly is in my dream yesterday, only remember that i woke up feeling so relieved that it's not true

feeling summery

yesterday really reminds me of the days i had end of last yr, when i was writing my hons thesis, anticipating my holiday.
coz of the weather, the summery weather :)
yday was really like summer

then today, when i was tramming back from work, can feel the air-conditioning in the tram, just like how i can feel it during summer time.
not bcoz i'm wearing shorts, but i think i can also feel it on my face :P
_______________________

few days ago (or last week?) was talking to a friend abt how old i'll become when i finish phd.
i should be 27 at max.
hopefully i can get it done before turning 27

really want to finish it quick,
so that wai po can come to my graduation. she's turning 84 this yr, and she always wants to see me graduate, wants to come to my graduation. she didn't come for my last 2 (yes i had TWO already!) for some sort-of-valid reasons. so i really want to finish quick so that she can come.

and also want to finish quick so taht i can start earning some decent money! :P well yea, science wont make big money. but that's wat i can see myself in, i mean in research, at least for now. and strange (yes i'll call it strange) enough that more and more i can see myself working in s'pore! was a bit reluctant to work in s'pore all the while, but dunno why, recently.
so yea... earn more money so that i can sort of enjoy life, well of course have to keep working also lar. the stipend i'm getting now is enough for me to live on, but i dont want to spend my life just living life, i want to enjoy life, i want to travel. the world is so big out there! can't be spending my whole life on this small corner of the world.

and who knows how long i'll be alive for?
*choy choy choy*

Next holiday?

I've been thinking and planning carefully for my next precious holiday.
bro has been asking me when am i going back coz he (and his gf?) wants to 'follow me' over for holiday.
CNY next year is 26 jan. so either i go back in jan for my bday (not the main point lar) + cny, then come back to do my confirmation.
[dunno if i mentioned before... confirmation is a hurdle requirement for all phd students, well at least for science lar, by the end of the first year. it includes a 20 mins or so seminar in front of a panel of 5? and a few thousand? words introduction of ur project. heard that a phd student before the confirmation is called phd candidate, after confirmation only formally become a phd student, well noone cares abt those terms of course... too troublesome :P]
or i'll go back after the confirmation, which is the option that i'm leaning towards all the while,
but i dont want to just go back to msia for like 2 weeks then come back again. i want to travel to somewhere else, with my parents. yea... i want to be the one paying for the airfare and accomodation. too ambitious huh :$

i'm considering bringing them to hk, or tw. i wont have enough money to go to europe. then the States leh.... accomodation can be easily solved coz can stay at uncle's place, but i think it'll take too long to get the visa approved, too troublesome.
s'pore... too near... only need to drive down and then knock on my aunt's door :S
mayb china is also a good choice.... i've never been, dont think my parents been also.
if not going as a tour (meaning with tourguides and have all the fuss taken care of), it has to be somewhere that i've been to (eg HK) or at least somewhere i'm confident that i can bring them around.
tw leh.... i have a few classmates still studying there, but then i dont want to end up not hving time (to play) with my friends or neglecting my parents.

wat abt SE asia... Thailand? Vietnam? hmm.... those places usually go by our own right, as in without tourguide, or need to go there and find local guide... sounds mafan. that was my experience from my Cambodia trip, which is worth going, no doubt, but need to know ppl (who have been there) so that can arrange good local guides. i dont want to put too much effort on planning the every details of the trip and also Viet trip is really tiring (according to my aunt, she been there before).

if that's really happening, should be around april-june next year.

then after the trip, i will be totally broke and have to start saving money all over again.
i actually dont have my own savings (in aus) at all before i start getting money from my phd scholarship.